Where I am is where I’m supposed to be

I go through phases of feeling bad about myself. I get caught in mental traps of “if only.” Last night’s phase was one, I think, inspired by the New Year.

I always get overwhelmed this month, this time of year because it has come to symbolize so much in my life. My birthday is in January, my toddler’s birthday is in January, and it’s the new year. I also left my job this time last year.

Yes, it was on the 6th, I believe, that I told my boss that I couldn’t do it (work the full time job, be the super mom without child care, and molly the maid in my own home) anymore. I keep thinking about that day. I kept thinking about that day all day yesterday.

And, while I love being a stay at home mom, I often wonder “what if.”

What if I found the right childcare, what if I found another job that was more flexible, what if I suffered through the hard times. And this thinking leads in another dose of “if onlys.”

If only I stayed, we’d have more money now. I wouldn’t have a gap on my resume. I’d be a working mom. I could wear the fancy clothes that I see my neighbor wear when she leaves the house at 9 am in the morning.

I say these things, then, I’m reminded with the smile of my toddler or a coo by my newborn that I wouldn’t have things be any different than they are today. Being a stay at home mom is a challenge for me on some days, other days, it’s the greatest blessing. I’m hoping that today will be a day of blessing.

I hope I’ll have the patience I need to be the mom I need to be to my children and the courage to believe that I am enough.

Do you ever go through these phases? How do you remind yourself that where you are is where you’re supposed to be?

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